No sperm was found

Huh?  Did you ever think those words would be said to you?  Growing up, life seems so easy.  First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage.  One problem--missing sperm means missing baby.  It has been 3 years now.  Wow--I can't even believe that! And what do I have to show for all the temperture charting, ovulation tests, and most expensive of all: pregnancy tests? NOTHING. Zip, zero, none. 

Jeremy and I were married back on November 20, 2007.  He wanted to wait to have children and I didn't.  I can say that is probably pretty typical of a lot of couples out there.  So can I say we "half tried?" We were moving around a lot during those first 3 years.  After moving to Salt Lake, where we were married, we then decided to make a change and move up to Idaho.  After a bit, we found ourselves back in Ohio where our family is.  As much as we may hate the weather, this is still home.

As of now, we have two children.  Well, not regular children.  But our dogs are our substitutes.  So yes--you will see them in sweaters.  You will see them kissing us and going shopping with us.  What can I say?  We don't have much of a life.  We live in a condo in North Columbus very close to where my husband grew up.  It is nice.  But lacking.  It isn't lacking furniture, electronics, not even space at this point.  What it is lacking are the giggles, the screaming in the middle of the night by a little one, the first time you hear mama, the little footsteps across the floor.

Some people may be able to live without this.  I thought I could.  Before we even knew our diagnosis, I told myself that whatever happened would happen.  But try having someone, who you hardly even know, tell you that you can't have biological children.  Guys--I haven't experienced much heartbreak, but this one was bad.  It tore into me like I had just lost my future and my dreams.  I'm surprised on the days that I get through without shedding a tear.

But we have made a decision--thus this blog.  We WILL have our own biological children.  Yes folks--we are on one income and probably feel the most unstable financially than we ever have.  But it is time.  I can't speak for my husband but I do know this--I need to be a mom. 

With all the treatment options out there, only one will work for people who share our same diagnosis of male factor infertility (at least as severe as this one is.) We are doing In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).  Basically, without going too much into it, they will shoot me up with a bunch of drugs, dig the eggs out of my body and force feed them with my husbands sperm.  After that we will then choose how many to transfer back.  How much are we spending? About $10,000.  What are our chances of getting a child at the end of it?  About 60% statistically.  But we have to.  I need to know that I tried everything in my power.

I'm not going to promise a post ever week--don't even think about every day! But during this time when we are going through our first IVF cycle, I want it to be documented.  I want others to see the heartbreak and hopefully the hope that this brings to help others.  More importantly, I want a record of what mommy was feeling like when baby was just a dream. 

To my future child or children if I am lucky: You are loved.  You are wanted.  And mommy and daddy are going to try their hardest to make sure you get to join us here on earth so that you never forget these facts.  You aren't a scientific experiment.  We just have to try extra hard to start your life.  And when you are in our arms at the end of this journey, I hope I can look back on this post and wash away all heartache that has clouded over me for so long now.  I love you and you don't even exist yet.  Crazy?  Maybe.  But I don't care because you will be the light of my life.